This Life is So Confusing

Hello, to all fellow mixed marriages like ours, Allie here. That’s right…”mixed marriages”. An Aspie and an Allie. Together. Living side-by-side. Close quarters. Now, add two (probably) Aspie children to the pot and what do you get? Outnumbered!

I could use a few survival hints if anyone out there has one. “What’s up?”, you may ask. Well, here goes, a couple of things I’d like suggestions on: 1) mood swings; 2) telling resentment from jealousy from stress from plain old anger; 3) your image to the outside world how important is it over who you really are. I’m sure I have more but let’s start with those three.

1) mood swings:  Need I say  more?  I think everything is going along just fine and WHAM! I get that tight face, that short response, that cold silence. What in the world happened?

2) telling emotions apart:  So is that anger that I did something you didn’t want me to do? Resentment that I enjoyed myself doing something you hate to do? Jealousy that I might be enjoying myself out with others rather than staying home? Stress from holidays, work, me going out in not so ideal weather conditions? Or just plain old anger that you didn’t get what you wanted?

3) image:  So do you really want me to be me? Or do you want me to be your version of me? If I’m not suppose to change who I am because you love me, then why am I changing who I am because I love you?

Maybe I’m just a little overwhelmed right now. I am more than willing to “stand behind” my Aspie partner, but is it improbable to think that my Aspie partner will “stand behind” me?

Should I ever expect any emotional support? Should I ever expect any physical help?

Someone drop me a life preserver, I feel like I might need one right about now.

1 thought on “This Life is So Confusing

  1. wicked which

    Why do your questions and your cry for help seem so oddly familiar to me? 25 years. “Together. Living side-by-side. Close quarters. Now, add two (probably) Aspie children to the pot and what do you get?” A family, isn’t it? No, I’m not trying to be funny! Most certainly not!
    Outnumbered. I feel outnumbered when they talk about sports, about films, about music, about fantasy and science fiction novels, about movies. I feel outnumbered when I talk about emotions nobody seems to know anything about. When I speak about the amazing things you can do with language and nobody gets it.
    Mood swings. Yes. And most of the time they have got little to do with me. It took me years to learn to walk away from situations that very obviously were unrelated to anything I did or didn’t do. Yet, I wanted to be helpful and tried to offer solutions. To no avail. I still have difficulties to get through to him when he is in “trying to pass mode”.
    Telling emotions apart. I did eventually learn something about that, differentiating my reaction from offering advice to walking away to just giving a cuddle or showing any other form of compassion. Now I would add that it is his responsibility in the first place to inform me and once he does that I can help him along with questions, e.g. do you like how you feel, are you sad, are you angry etc. That most often keeps the information flowing and the emotion he feels gets communicable and acceptable for him and for me.
    Image. Yes, I have just recently learned that I do not need to change who I am. That’s bringing me back those 25 years: I fell in love with that man because of who he was (this is what has helped me through rough patches along the way, that I made a commitment knowing what I was doing, even if I couldn’t have worded it then). And still is. The man that accepts me just like I am. The man who stands behind me even if I don’t notice him because he is not making any fuss about that. Unconditionally.
    The difference might be that we both have recently been diagnosed autistic. We do attend counselling sessions together. The most important thing for me to learn is to understand my needs and to express them in a way my most important friend can understand. And I understood this only after bitterly complaining for months on end about all the ‘wrongs’ I had cropped up in all those years. The changes we are seeing in our relationship are hard work on both sides, progress is slow, relapses occur. And yet, the good news is: we are moving and we are together in that. And if I’m not completely mistaken, the children are profiting, too, from our efforts.


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